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18Oktober2020

Marian, what is your most memorable hotel experience?

Marian Gold diary, Saturday, September 16, 2017, Kvakovce, Slowakei, Hotel Zelana Lagun, room #A1.
We arrived late last night at our hotel and were received with great ballyhoo, champagne, photographers, journalists, TV people and long legged ladies of obscure occupation. It was fairly over the top. I took a short dinner then walked up to my room because I was exhausted from the long trip. That was the first time I became aware of three beefily, bull-necked, black-dressed individuals that followed me into the elevator. It was a very small elevator. The three guys were about a head taller than me. They didn’t speak but looked at me with a friendly expression. Well, they had these kind of faces whose sight do not become necessarily comforting by a friendly expression. I escaped the elevator and walked down the corridor to my apartement. The three followed me in silence. It was a strange sensation when I opened the door to my room with these three mute monsters against my back. I turned around as I closed the door and looked at them. They looked back in their horrible friendly way. I said: „Good night.“ They just looked at me. I closed the door. I looked through the door’s peephole. Nobody there. I opened the door. Two guys stood left and right my door, the third one had lingered down the corridor and just stopped at the elevator. I said: Oh, hello, good night. The guy at the elevator waved at me, the two guys by the door winked their eyes. I closed the door and called the reception. The three were my bodyguards I was explained. I don’t need bodyguards. They promised to talk to the boss. The boss then would withdraw them. Ok. I was deadbeat, just wanted to fall into my bed and sleep. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. The tab looked like a solid piece of metal lacking of any control options.

I tried hard to get some water out of the damned thing. I tried and tried. I felt stupid. Very stupid. That’s why I didn’t call the reception. I tried for half an hour. Then I called the reception. They promised to send someone up to open the tab for me. Someone knocked at the door. I opened the door. It was one of the two big fellows who still lounged around at my door accompanied by a waiter. The waiter seemed to be afraid. Not so because of the tall chaps. Rather because of me, the guy who couldn’t handle a tab. He went into the bathroom, followed by me and the two bulls. It was easy. You just had to pretend being able to break a solid piece of metal into two. It then turned out to be two pieces of metal of which one would supply you with water.

After the waiter and the big guy had left I called the reception. Did they talk to the boss? – Yes. – But the three zombies were still out there. – They would talk to the boss again. – Ok. I went back to the bathroom to brush my teeth. There was also a jacuzzi in my bathroom. A pretty big one. After toothbrushing and ready to fall into bed, the jacuzzi all of the sudden started running with a hellish noise. I hadn’t touched the jacuzzi. There was no water in it. I tried to switch it off. I tried and tried. I felt stupid again. After half an hour I called the reception: I can’t switch off the jacuzzi. No, I didn’t switch it on. No, there’s no water in it. Yes, please hurry, it’s very loud… – Someone knocked at the door. It was the anxious waiter and the three friendly mobsters. He probably would have refused to enter my room without them. He went into the bathroom and with a simple touch on the mounting of the jacuzzi he switched it off. There was a moment of total silence. Then my embarrassment slowly filled up the silence. It became a very long moment. After the four had left I fell into my bed and slept like a log.

The next morning I woke up and felt like having a bath. I was in high spirits and looked forward to a nice breakfast. I filled the jacuzzi and slipped in. Suddenly the jacuzzi started running. I hadn’t touched anything. It was blubbering and sputtering all around with incredible noise. I tried to switch it off. I tried and tried. I couldn’t leave the jacuzzi because that lowered the level of the water which resulted in big fountains all over the place created by the now exposed blast pipes. What can I say. I felt stupid. Then out of the blue, the jacuzzi stopped working. I jumped out and called the reception: Send someone to close down the fucking jacuzzi. It starts and stops working without any reason. Yes, I hate jacuzzis in hotelrooms. No, I don’t care if it is a luxurious jacuzzi. A few minutes later someone knocked at the door. Anxious waiter with arrogant stare and three grinning gorillas enter room. They walk into bathroom. Just then jacuzzi starts running again. Big fountains of water all over the place. Anxious waiter and three big wet monkeys trying to switch off jacuzzi. Can’t make it. Me sitting in next room, watching them from my sofa in gleeful delight, while appartement slowly drowns in water. I have a new room now.

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